Finding The Light

It's probably been obvious to anyone who knows me even remotely that I am struggling. I have been trying to pull myself out of it but to no avail. Ever since Mike & I learned that his dad was in the hospital for the very first time, I've felt as though I'm wearing a weighted body suit and I have to fight with every ounce of strength within me to get anything done. And just because it's been a month since he passed away, it doesn't mean the sorrow has left my heart. So - my heart, body, and brain have been in survival mode. I seriously dislike living in survival mode. It is not an easy way to live. I feel as though a dark, thick cloud has encircled me, and to be honest, I'm exhausted from fighting it.

It's funny how when I find myself confronted with something like this, how easily I forget to turn to what I know without a doubt to be an absolute source of peace. A few days ago, I picked up my scriptures for the first time in a number of days. Before beginning to read, I silently prayed to God that he would help me PLEASE find a way out of the dark cloud I am currently in. Or at least, help me to deal with it until it goes away. I am reading in the Book of Mormon. My goal was to read it cover to cover before the end of the year 2008. Obviously - I haven't "checked off" that goal yet, as it's the end of February 2009, and I'm only two thirds of the way through. However, as I began to read, I immediately realized that God knew I would need this scripture at this point in time, NOT in December of 2008.

I'm reading in the book of Helaman about the missionaries Nephi and Lehi. They had dedicated their lives to the preaching of God's word, and were ultimately cast into prison by a city of unbelievers. As I began to read, these are honestly the first words I read, "And it came to pass that they were overshadowed with a cloud of darkness". It is talking about the other people in the prison with Nephi & Lehi, who were covered in darkness as Nephi & Lehi were encircled about "as if by fire". Now, I've read this exact same story countless times, but on this day as I read my heart and mind SHOUTED within me, "that is EXACTLY how I feel!". And immediately the peace I had been seeking entered my heart as I finally realized - He knows! God knows! He knows that I'm encircled about with a cloud of darkness, and He will help me find my way out.

I continued to read, and I continued to find peace. At that moment, the spirit of God spoke to my soul. The sorrow hasn't lifted, but I do feel as the cloud of darkness is gone and I am encircled by light.

For the past few days as I've thought about exactly what to write about on my blog, this is the only thing I can even think about writing - because at that moment, it was life changing. I always tell myself that I use my blog as a way to record & share my thoughts and feelings with others, with the hope that someday I will share it with my children. So my post for today is this: God knows me, He loves me, and He wants me to find peace. AND I have NO DOUBT that He wants the same for you.

4th photo in my 4th folder

So I'm stealing this idea from my nephew's wife. She has a darling blog, and wrote a post about the fourth photo in her fourth folder. So I'm copying her, because ... 1. I was curious what my photo was, and 2. I thought it might force me to write about something new. I was right. This photo is from our trip to Paris a year and a half ago. Mike took it for me while standing in the middle of the busy street. Apparently it's a famous street known for it's famous fashion designers and all that (blah, blah, blah) but as you've probably noticed I'm not all that into fashion. I shop for my clothing at Costco, Target, and sometimes even Old Navy if I'm feeling a little "wild and crazy". Thinking about fashion is about as exciting to me as folding the laundry, so obviously, the importance of this street was lost on plain ole' me.

But as for Paris, I WAS BLOWN AWAY!!! I used to always think, why do they always call Paris the most romantic city in the world? I figured it was just due to the French exaggerating about their own feelings of self-importance. I mean - where do they get off calling it that? Well, now I understand. I must preface this by saying that I have not been to every city in the world, BUT I have been to Paris. And I can now say that it is most definitely the most romantic city in my world.

The history, the museums, the architecture, the art, holy cow - the HISTORY! And that crazy tall tower that everyone always makes such a big deal about. They are ALL AMAZING!!! And the lights, the languages, the unique neighborhoods, the old subway, the trains, the FOOD - I loved it all. Mike and I wandered around Paris from sun up to way past sun down for three days. The fashion may have been lost on me, but the city itself was not.

RAD Kids

This past year there have been atleast two attempted abductions of children in my neighborhood. These attempts were fairly aggressive, and thankfully both children were able to run away. The reaction of the parents in our neighborhood was certainly something to behold. Information about the individual seeking to harm our children was circulated quickly and thoroughly with flyiers and via email. There were neighborhood discussions, and meetings with police.

Then this summer some concerned parents went the extra mile, and introduced our community to something called "RAD Kids". RAD in an acronymn for Resisting Aggression Defensively. It is an absolutely amazing program designed to teach kids how to protect themselves. They don't just talk about being safe, they let them practice how to keep themselves safe. It contains a fairly intensive curriculum, and requires those hoping to be instructors in the RAD Kids program to participate in a very rigorous training program.

After learning about the program - many elementary schools in our area found volunteers and financial assistance in creating a RAD Kids program for their students. My own children have been lucky enough to have dedicated parents & school personel institute a RAD Kids program for our school. This January I watched my sweet Kassidy literally "practice" getting away from a "bad guy". It made me so proud and grateful for the program. I'm going to include a video of her "practice" session, and a link to the RAD Kids website. But, before I do, I wanted to tell you the first two RAD Kid rules (that personally I think are AWESOME!).

1. You are Special! And ABSOLUTELY NO ONE has the right to hurt you.
2. You do not have the right to hurt anyone else, Including yourself, UNLESS you are stopping someone from hurting you.

I've had some pretty frank conversations with my kids this year about bullies, strangers, and anyone else who could try to hurt them (including friends and relatives), and how they should respond. But the cool thing is, they have been able to physically practice how to resist aggression from others on a consistent basis. I hope you check out the website - I promise it will be worth your time.

www.radkids.org

I'm just freakin tired

I've always hated the word "freakin". I mean, we all know what word is actually going through your mind when you say "freakin", but you just don't say it. However, I am grateful that it is used instead of the other word, because, well - I hate that one even more.

But here I am using it. FREAKIN. FREAKIN. FREAKIN. There, I said it again. I am just freakin tired. I am. I keep trying not to be, but I am. And tonight I'm just freakin tired of being freakin tired, and I'm freakin tired of pretending I'm not.

My awesome sister gave me this book that's all about "positive thinking" and that sort of stuff. (I'm working on the "no swearing" goal, can you tell?). To be honest, I believe in it. Probably not in the exact same way that she does, but I do believe in it. And man alive have I seen an amazing change in her since she began practicing that sort of stuff. (See, I avoided swearing again!) So I've been working on coming up with an "Affirmation" that I can repeatedly tell myself so I can be positive, productive, and generally happy. This is what I've come up with:

I am filled with energy, truth & light. I show respect for my mind, body & spirit by "feeding" them "healthy" things.

Okay, so that last sentence still needs a little work, but I've been working on it for a month already. Seriously! So here's the problem. Sometimes I'm just TIRED and I want to admit to myself that I'm tired. Sometimes I just want to eat a huge bowl of Dreyers Icecream or down 6 oatmeal cookies even though it is completely NOT healthy for my body. And, sometimes I just want to drive along in my wicked mini-van, listening to Def Leppard or AC/DC and sing at the top of my lungs to their NOT so spiritual songs. But damn it, I love 'em! (Oh crap, sorry about that one).

So, tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to tell myself that I'm "filled with energy, truth & light" and that I need to show respect for my mind, body & spirit. But for tonight, I am just freakin tired.

A place for everything, and everything in it's place

Hooray, Hooray, HOORAY!!! I worked my bootie off today organizing and cleaning, and it felt so darn good. For two days in a row now I've actually showered and worn something other than my p.j's. Okay, let me back up, this last week has been a hard one for me. I've spent the last week struggling to even get the basics done. The basics for me are feeding, clothing, and interacting with my kids. Oh yeah, and sometimes feeding me. Anything above and beyond that is more than the basics for this mommy. Showering and changing clothes are a luxury. Don't get me wrong, I'm not digusting (okay so not really disgusting), I just wear the same flannel bottoms for a couple of days before I finally shower, put my hair in a ponytail, and put on a new pair of flannel bottoms. So, a few days ago I was snuggling with Kaitlyn when she said to me, "Mommy, you kind of stink." Nothing like blazing honesty from my 5 year old to help me realize - I'VE GOT TO START SNAPPING OUT OF THIS! So yesterday I started small. I showered, I blow dried my hair (I even wore it DOWN!), and put on some make-up. I went to lunch with some great girlfriends and CONVERSED with them for two whole hours. This morning I decided to do it again, and maybe up the momentum a little bit. I thought to myself, "Come on now Kristen, you can do it! You can shower, get ready and have a productive day." Well guess what? I DID. I worked hard & it was awesome!

Today I attacked the playroom. Now the playroom in our house is like the eternal thorn in my side. It is a mess. My kids have way too much stuff & boy am I ever paying for it. Ever since Christmas it has been the usual mess times ten. It was crowded & disorganized & driving me CRAZY! One of the hardest things for me about motherhood is dealing with this sort of stuff. I like things to be organized. I like to put things in bins or on shelves and label it all so I actually know where it is. I do not do well in chaos. This is a verifiable fact. Just ask Mike.

After my own personal pep talk, I started on the playroom. I began by putting everything into the center of the room in one big pile. I even dump out everything that is in bins or drawers so I am starting from scratch. If you've never done that, it's actually a LOT of fun. Call me crazy if you want, but it's the truth. I was tossing baby dolls, star wars figures, and stuffed animals. I swear, I created my own Mt. Everest in the middle of my house out of barbies and legos. Then I vacuumed everywhere I normally can't reach with a vacuum, wiped off all of the big plastic toys Mike hates, and rearranged them. At this point I realize I'm going to need a few more plastic bins. Four more to be exact. As I found the bins I was looking for at Smith's MarketPlace a beautiful thing happened - they were on sale!! I knew at that moment that TODAY was THE day for me to be organizing. I mean, sales on organization supplies are almost like a sign from heaven aren't they?

Now with my new shiny plastic bins all lined up and all of the big toys in place, I began sorting through the enormous pile of stuff in the middle of the playroom. Everything has a place in the playroom. The kids don't always put everything in the right place, but everything has a place. I label the bins (before my kids could read I even put pictures on them), throw junk away, make a pile for donations, and put every toy in its new little home. As the pile dwindles and everything is so neat & organized, I feel like everything is all right in the world. At least in that one room. It becomes my own little "happy place" for this one, beautiful, organized moment in time. And let me tell you, it feels good!

Celebrating 25 Years of Friendship

Therese, me, some guy named Mark, and Amy (our 2009 trip)

Amy with her good friend Kevin Bacon, me & my pal Tom Hanks, and Therese with ole' what's his name at Universal Studios. (2007 trip)

Every year I get to take a trip with two of my closest girlfriends. We go away for 3 or 4 days and just have an absolute ball. These girls have been my friends since I was 13 years old. This year marks 25 years of friendship. 25 YEARS!!! They know ALL of my dirt, and thankfully, I know all of theirs as well. Between the three of us, that's some serious dirt! 25 years of dirt to be exact. We laugh hysterically from the moment we hit the airport terminal (we can't laugh until then because I'm always freaked out until we are sitting in the CORRECT terminal prior to our plane taking off), and don't stop for pretty much the entire trip. We've been doing this for 5 years now, and have been to St. George, Phoenix, Park City, McCall (Idaho), and So. California. What's hilarious is that we just pick up exactly where we left off the previous year. It's like one enormous party with year long potty breaks scattered throughout. We stay up late, eat way too many treats, and have one heckuva good time. We also tease the daylights out of each other, just like we were still in Jr. High. And oh, the stories I could tell, but many of them I'll have to take to the grave right along with me. But that is one of the most amazing things about REAL friends. They know the good, the bad, and the ugly, and they still love you. Thanks ladies! I'm already lookin' forward to next year!

Good Grief!

Anyone who has had their heart broken before, in any shape or form, knows in their gut that grieving is hard. It is not an easy process, it hurts like hell, and there is absolutely no way around it. I think all of us have done our own fair share of grieving in our lives. This past weekend my son even did a little grieving over the fact that Burger King only had girl toys to include in his kids meal (or maybe it's just that he gave me a lot of grief over it, I can't remember which).

I've watched four different people that I loved deeply exit this life before I was ready for them to leave. Every single time, it has literally brought me to my knees in sorrow. And even though I firmly believe that God has a purpose in taking them, it doesn't always stop me from just being ticked off anyway. These are people I love. These are people I want HERE. ON THIS EARTH. So I can hug them, talk with them, and tell them I love them just one more time. Call me selfish, but I'm telling you the truth. Yes, grieving is hard.

I've started to pay attention to the way I grieve. It's always a complicated process, and what worked the last time my heart was broken like this doesn't always seem to work this time around. Here are some of the things that I do when my heart is broken:

I cry. A lot. Especially in the car when I'm alone. Or in the shower. Or sometimes in front of the entire world. I just cry a lot. It seems to cleanse my soul.

I pray. A lot. Especially in the car, or in the shower, in my closet, or while I'm lying in bed. Sometimes God is the only one who I tell how I really feel about the whole situation. And even though I'm ticked off - He still listens. And He still loves me. Imagine that.

I eat chocolate. Especially semi-sweet chocolate chips. I had bought a big bag of chocolate chips from Costco for the holidays, and I had maybe used a third of them. That bag is now empty. I refuse to buy another bag, because ten pounds is enough in grieving chocolate weight.

I sit and stare into space. I honestly can't explain this one, or why I do it. But I do. I just sit. And stare into space.

I laugh. As much as I can. With my girlfriends, my family, my sweet husband. It helps me to remember that someday out there in the future I won't feel so completely lost. I will feel normal again. Whatever that means.

So thank you. To those of you who have watched me eat enormous amounts of chocolate and stare into space - and love me anyway. To those of you who have listened to me cry, sometimes even wail. To those of you who have made me laugh when my world feels like it's been turned upside down. Thank you for helping me, and allowing me to grieve. It has meant more than you'll ever know.