Random thoughts that have filled my brain this week

I've been missing being able to just sit down and write. I started re-reading my favorite book a few weeks ago, so I've spent any precious spare moments reading instead of writing. This morning I decided to let the dishes stay dirty, the laundry remain unfolded, and my cute 5 year old run wild (and naked I might add). I'm going to write about some of the random things that have been filling my brain & life this week.

• Should I allow my ten year old daughter to watch Twilight? I haven't allowed her to read the books, even though it seems like every other girl her age has. Call me crazy, but I believe she'll have plenty of sexual tension to deal with during her teenage years, so I'd prefer NOT to give her a head start on that one. I actually did allow her to watch the movie this week - with me acting as a censor for the things I didn't want her to see. I think it was a good compromise. Although, as the credits rolled at the end of the movie she looked at me with a curious look on her face and said, "That's it?" Almost like she was saying, "Why is everyone making such a big deal about THAT?".
• Caleb's questions about vampires and Twilight. Why is Edward's skin white? Does he have fangs? Why doesn't he drink Bella's blood? Are his fangs permanent, or do they just appear when he needs them? Does Edward turn into a bat? SERIOUSLY! I finally had to say NO MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT VAMPIRES! I was losing my mind.
• WHY is my five year old SO DARN GRUMPY?!?! She and I have mornings alone together before she heads off to Kindergarten. Usually, this is some pretty great time we get to spend together reading, snuggling, playing & talking. But this week, she is grumpy like nobody's business - And I was quickly on my way to the funny farm. Thankfully, she woke up this morning bright & cheery. Phew! Just in the nick of time.
• Will my children ever learn to flush the toilets after they use them? I am flat out TIRED of being surprised by floaties and stinky smells that seem to never go away.
• After reading an article one morning this week about the dangers of drinking too much caffeine I decided to give up diet coke.
• By 9:30 am that same morning I cracked open my first diet coke & decided to give up swearing instead.
• Are there any other creative ways I can find to stretch my dollar? This whole recession/ cash crunching time we're in is making me more careful, creative, and obsessive with how & where I spend my money.
• Will I ever figure out this whole Boy Scout program thing? Caleb has been eight for a whopping 2 weeks, and I'm already completely stressed out! We've already had a "space derby", a shirt mishap, a manual that sounds like gibberish to me, and all these stinkin' patches that I'm supposed to attach to the darn shirt. HELP! Someone please help me!
• Watching Kassidy resting on my bed and thinking to myself, "Wow, she is really mine. She is a part of me. She is amazing."
• No matter how much I volunteer at school with parties, activities & field trips - What matters most to my kids is the last party, activity, or field-trip. And if I wasn't there, then WHY NOT!?!?
• Should the Jazz keep Boozer around? 'Cause seriously, his defense stinks & I think Millsap is the man.

Obviously, a trip to the funny farm for me isn't very far away. However, I am enjoying the ride.

Hey y'all - my sister rocks!

My mom, Kassidy & I went to the "Zen Center" in Salt Lake to listen to my sister sing. She has a fantastic voice, and Kassidy thinks her Aunt Kami is the coolest EVER (well, she pretty much is) so we were very excited to hear her sing her heart out.

Here we are waiting for the show to begin.

Yeah, I know, she ROCKS!

Happy Birthday Special Agent Caleb!!

My little guy turned eight years old a week ago today. I spent two weeks preparing for his "Spy Party" and the last week recovering from it, so I'm completely behind in blogging. Let me tell you, 15 kids - most of them 8 year old boys - running around in one house for 2 hours is exhausting! But we had a lot of fun and I think the party turned out pretty great.

First, I want to write about this little guy who has stolen my heart. Before he was born, I was absolutely certain that he was a girl. We couldn't tell from the ultra-sound, but I always knew that I'd end up with another girl, so I was positive he was a she. I even went out and bought brand new baby girl clothes that would match his big sister's spring outfits. No lie! Caleb was delivered by c-section, and the moment he was born the doctor held him "bootie first" over the paper drape between my head and tummy, and announced, "it's a boy!". That was the moment he stole my heart, and he's kept stealing it on a daily basis for the last 8 years.

But first, here are a few photos from when he was a baby. Please forgive me, I just took digital photos of them from the poster on his bedroom wall. Hence, the flash that I couldn't figure out how to turn off. This one is from Holden Beach, NC when he was 6 months old. We used to spend a week at the beach every summer when we lived in Charlotte. This was his first experience with crawling around in & eating the sand.
Caleb has always, always adored his big sister. He used to roll, crawl, scoot, or whatever else he could make his little body do to get close to her. From the moment he could stand up, he started to run. I don't think the boy ever walked. He was an absolute TANK and it cracked me up to see him running as fast as he could to whatever it was that he wanted. The icecream man used to roll through our neighborhood in Charlotte at least 2 to 3 times a day. When Caleb was only about 15 months old, he would hear that icecream tune coming from the truck and there was no stopping him. He would start running as fast as his little chubby feet would carry him to the icecream truck hollering "Iceceam!! Iceceam!!" before I even had a chance to grab my wallet. Thankfully, I lived by some really great ladies who would often buy him his icecream before I even showed up.

I love this photo for SO MANY reasons! It captures his smile that lights up the world and his love for his sisters all in one shot.

Caleb's brain must go a million miles a minute, because the guy never stops asking questions. Sometimes, he doesn't even wait for the answer before he is blurting out another question. He also uses the cutest darn words on the planet. When we first moved to Utah, he and I went to a candy shop together. He was about 2 and a half years old. The first words out of his mouth when he saw all of the candy were, "This is AMAZING!". He loves to call it the way he see's it, and definitely has the words to do it.

Caleb is also very tender hearted and extremely in-tune with the spirit of God. I went up to tuck him in once when he was about 6 years old. I found him sitting on his bed with tears rolling down his cheeks. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, does it ever make you cry when you pray?". The other day in church, I heard a boy his age ask Caleb, "Why do we even need Jesus?" Caleb's immediate reply was, "Because Jesus shares his perfection with us!". He has always been mischievious, but I've never doubted that his heart is sweet and tender down to the very core.

For his 8th birthday, Caleb wanted a SPY PARTY. We sent out "Top Secret" invitations to all of his friends to attend a spy camp at our house. The kids got their own spy hats, spy badges, and played games teaching them spy techniques. After dinner, cake & presents, they went off on a secret mission to find their goodie bags that contained the rest of the spy items they would need.

Here is Caleb reading the first clue for their secret mission.

I even made the cake with some help from my niece Tiff.

It was a chocolate cake with white frosting. Everything else was black. And no, those aren't rotten plums on his cake, they are BOMBS! Actually, they were tangerines wrapped in black buttercream fondant with tinfoil fuses.

Every child had their picture taken at the beginning of the party for their very own I.D. badge.

On our kids actual birthdays, they get to choose what they want for breakfast (Caleb chose German Pancakes) and where they would like to go out to eat for dinner. Here is a photo of the kids at their favorite eating establishment, Chuck-a-rama :). Mike calls it barf-a-rama, but the kids love it because it's an all you can eat buffet.

Happy 8th Birthday Caleb! We love you!

Why yes, I am on Prozac - why do you ask?

Crap. So the cat's out of the bag. It's probably pretty obvious at this point that yes, I suffer from depression. Surprise, surprise! I'm pretty good at managing it anymore, except for when life throws me a curve ball & then I have to improvise until I get myself back on track. Hence, my most recent state & inability to manage my life in a semi-normal way since the beginning of 2009.

I used to absolutely HATE admitting to anyone, myself included, that I struggle with depression. I mean, what type A person out there really wants to admit to the world that they honestly can't control everything about their own lives like they'd like to think they can. I certainly didn't want to. I like order. Depression is not conducive to an orderly lifestyle. So, at times it is just easier to pretend that the depression does not exist. This works okay when it is just you. But you add a spouse & kids and suddenly pretending is NOT an option anymore. 'Cause when all hell breaks lose, they kind-of notice.

For me, the struggle with depression & anxiety (seriously, as though life isn't tough enough already!) has been lifelong. I remember my first anxiety attack like it were yesterday, and I was 10. It was enough to scare the daylights out of me, so I can only imagine what it did to my mom. Considering what little information and research we had back then on the subject, she did a pretty damn good job!

So why did I finally admit to myself that this was a problem that needed to be dealt with? Pretty much when Mike said to me, "Kristen, before we have this third baby that you seem to know needs to come to our family, you need to get some help for your depression". My response prior to having 2 children would have been something like, " Me? Depressed? You must be joking! You obviously must have me mixed up with some other amazing woman you know." But by that time, it was quite obvious that I had something going on in the depression department. So I did what I do every time my sweet husband asks me to do something, I obeyed. (Okay, so that was in jest, poor Mike doesn't have a very "obedient" wife - but this time I did). I went to my doctor, and he prescribed an anti-depressent. Taking those damn pills was a hard thing for me to do. In my mind, I had failed. I had lost the battle of "self-control".

About 2 weeks into taking those damn pills, I noticed a change. I felt level headed without even trying. I was no longer an emotional yo-yo in perpetual motion. I looked at Mike and said, "Is this how it feels to feel normal?". It was something I had honestly NEVER experienced before. My life before anti-depressants felt like I was walking around with a bad sunburn covering my entire body and heart. Literally EVERYTHING felt like it was scratching on this sunburn. Some were little scratches, while others were deep gouges, but the scratching was continuous. It took enormous mental energy for me to not scream out at the world and yell, "Hey, watch it buddy! That hurts!" I used all of my energy protecting that stupid sunburn, which is incredibly hard, not to mention exhausting, when you have 2 kids running around.

For the first time that I could ever remember, I didn't have to focus all of that energy to keep me from going up and down like a yo-yo. It came automatically. I could relax and actually enjoy the ride. From that moment on I made a promise to myself that I would never hide the fact that I have depression and I take medication to control it. Maybe if I talk about it without embarassment, then other people won't be embarassed if they are facing the same thing. Maybe I can help keep one person from living on this earth for 32 years before they actually realize there are treatments available for their illness. I don't know. I guess it's worth a try. For what it's worth - I have depression and take medication to help me live a non-depresssed life. It works for me, and I am not embarassed by it. Enough said.