September 24th

My little sister will probably want to kick me for putting this here, but she says things so well that I had to do it. My mom married Lynn Balmforth when I was seven years old. The next year they gave me the best little sister ever - Kami Balmforth. If you know her, then you know why I say that. She is strong, smart, talented, and down right hilarious. Lynn died right before Easter in 2000. Though it's been over 8 years, it still hurts like hell. One of the hardest parts about him being gone is watching my mom and sweet little sister without him. It hurts when people you love die, and it hurts even more watching people you love live on without them. So here is a little tribute from Kami to her dad, and I just had to share it. Kami, I love you! Just an explanation to those who didn't know Lynn, he collected pennies. Jars and JARS of pennies.

september 24th...

i don't like to reminisce about my dad. he's dead, i miss him, yada yada yada. i don't like to end up in a sobbing mess. i don't like it when my mom cries. i don't like to be out of control. but a few things have happened recently so he's been on my mind quite a bit, way more than i prefer. so obviously i need to purge. this summer mom and i tried to kill two birds with one stone by visiting dad's grave and then traveling to bear lake. don't try that, because it takes you about a bazillion hours in the wrong direction and then you just end up pissy and not really in the mood to memorialize a loved one. we got to the cemetery and went to stand by the headstone. it's actually a pretty cool little cemetery out in the middle of nowhere. although at night, i bet it's totally creepy. mom is good not to make me stay for very long. there really isn't much you can do there. but as we were getting in the car, i noticed that there was a penny on my seat. it wasn't there before, the car was clean. i don't usually indulge in beliefs beyond what i can see, but i like to think it was his way of saying hello and that he's at least aware that he left us too quickly.

my uncle also found some video clips of him singing at family parties and such. i have mixed feelings about that. i had forgotten what his voice sounded like. i had forgotten what it was like to hang out with my dad. i'm grateful to have the memento, but it doesn't feel good. i still don't know about that.

i miss my dad terribly. i miss the way he would tickle my chin when he got home from work. i miss the way he would poke his head into my room at night and say, "i sure love you." i miss his pocket protector and how my face would smush into it when he hugged me. i miss the suspenders. i miss how he smelled. i miss the way my cats always loved him more than they loved me. i miss the way he would file things. whatever he could find, as long as it could be put into a manila folder (with a typed label of course) and filed, it was worth something. who knows, you may need that all important article on UFO's in the near future.

i'm angry that i never really got to have a grown up conversation with him or ask him certain questions. even if he had to make up the answer, he'd still have one. i'm angry that he told me that everything was going to be fine. even though he was hard to live with, i still wish he was here. tomorrow is my dad's birthday. he would have been 75 years old. three quarters of a century with more experience and wisdom than i can imagine at 29. i suppose that's why it's bugging me so much this year. 75 is a milestone. dad and mom would have been married 30 years this year. so many things that i feel like i should have been able to share with my parents. i would have bought him some kind of awesome tie and a shirt because he never bought anything for himself. he would have pretended that he didn't want a party, but would be in the middle of it all if we threw him one. he would break out the old spice for the special occasion. he would play the guitar. he was good at that.