Good Grief!

Anyone who has had their heart broken before, in any shape or form, knows in their gut that grieving is hard. It is not an easy process, it hurts like hell, and there is absolutely no way around it. I think all of us have done our own fair share of grieving in our lives. This past weekend my son even did a little grieving over the fact that Burger King only had girl toys to include in his kids meal (or maybe it's just that he gave me a lot of grief over it, I can't remember which).

I've watched four different people that I loved deeply exit this life before I was ready for them to leave. Every single time, it has literally brought me to my knees in sorrow. And even though I firmly believe that God has a purpose in taking them, it doesn't always stop me from just being ticked off anyway. These are people I love. These are people I want HERE. ON THIS EARTH. So I can hug them, talk with them, and tell them I love them just one more time. Call me selfish, but I'm telling you the truth. Yes, grieving is hard.

I've started to pay attention to the way I grieve. It's always a complicated process, and what worked the last time my heart was broken like this doesn't always seem to work this time around. Here are some of the things that I do when my heart is broken:

I cry. A lot. Especially in the car when I'm alone. Or in the shower. Or sometimes in front of the entire world. I just cry a lot. It seems to cleanse my soul.

I pray. A lot. Especially in the car, or in the shower, in my closet, or while I'm lying in bed. Sometimes God is the only one who I tell how I really feel about the whole situation. And even though I'm ticked off - He still listens. And He still loves me. Imagine that.

I eat chocolate. Especially semi-sweet chocolate chips. I had bought a big bag of chocolate chips from Costco for the holidays, and I had maybe used a third of them. That bag is now empty. I refuse to buy another bag, because ten pounds is enough in grieving chocolate weight.

I sit and stare into space. I honestly can't explain this one, or why I do it. But I do. I just sit. And stare into space.

I laugh. As much as I can. With my girlfriends, my family, my sweet husband. It helps me to remember that someday out there in the future I won't feel so completely lost. I will feel normal again. Whatever that means.

So thank you. To those of you who have watched me eat enormous amounts of chocolate and stare into space - and love me anyway. To those of you who have listened to me cry, sometimes even wail. To those of you who have made me laugh when my world feels like it's been turned upside down. Thank you for helping me, and allowing me to grieve. It has meant more than you'll ever know.