Finding The Light

It's probably been obvious to anyone who knows me even remotely that I am struggling. I have been trying to pull myself out of it but to no avail. Ever since Mike & I learned that his dad was in the hospital for the very first time, I've felt as though I'm wearing a weighted body suit and I have to fight with every ounce of strength within me to get anything done. And just because it's been a month since he passed away, it doesn't mean the sorrow has left my heart. So - my heart, body, and brain have been in survival mode. I seriously dislike living in survival mode. It is not an easy way to live. I feel as though a dark, thick cloud has encircled me, and to be honest, I'm exhausted from fighting it.

It's funny how when I find myself confronted with something like this, how easily I forget to turn to what I know without a doubt to be an absolute source of peace. A few days ago, I picked up my scriptures for the first time in a number of days. Before beginning to read, I silently prayed to God that he would help me PLEASE find a way out of the dark cloud I am currently in. Or at least, help me to deal with it until it goes away. I am reading in the Book of Mormon. My goal was to read it cover to cover before the end of the year 2008. Obviously - I haven't "checked off" that goal yet, as it's the end of February 2009, and I'm only two thirds of the way through. However, as I began to read, I immediately realized that God knew I would need this scripture at this point in time, NOT in December of 2008.

I'm reading in the book of Helaman about the missionaries Nephi and Lehi. They had dedicated their lives to the preaching of God's word, and were ultimately cast into prison by a city of unbelievers. As I began to read, these are honestly the first words I read, "And it came to pass that they were overshadowed with a cloud of darkness". It is talking about the other people in the prison with Nephi & Lehi, who were covered in darkness as Nephi & Lehi were encircled about "as if by fire". Now, I've read this exact same story countless times, but on this day as I read my heart and mind SHOUTED within me, "that is EXACTLY how I feel!". And immediately the peace I had been seeking entered my heart as I finally realized - He knows! God knows! He knows that I'm encircled about with a cloud of darkness, and He will help me find my way out.

I continued to read, and I continued to find peace. At that moment, the spirit of God spoke to my soul. The sorrow hasn't lifted, but I do feel as the cloud of darkness is gone and I am encircled by light.

For the past few days as I've thought about exactly what to write about on my blog, this is the only thing I can even think about writing - because at that moment, it was life changing. I always tell myself that I use my blog as a way to record & share my thoughts and feelings with others, with the hope that someday I will share it with my children. So my post for today is this: God knows me, He loves me, and He wants me to find peace. AND I have NO DOUBT that He wants the same for you.